Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I Stand Corrected

It seems ironic to me that after my blog about my seizures, I ended up with a serious seizure. Go figure?  Well in that moment, I realized that even though I make efforts to keep up with my seizures, there is always room for IMPROVEMENT. I need to be more responsible and actually stop thinking that I have it altogether because I'm NOT in control fully over my body...God is and my friend mentioned the day after my abnormal experience, In paraphrasing, "If you want to be involved in the ministries and do as what others reached out to you, then you need to have your body in better shape to serve the fullest as you want to be...get more mature and make better adult decisions because not everyone can hold your hand." ,Don't you just love REAL friends that will gently chastise you? Lol... by the end of the day... I ABSOLUTELY DO...because I know they care for me and have my best interest at heart.
"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
 8For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
 9And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
 10Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 KJV
 I used to wonder and sometimes do think that my epilepsy is my thorn in my flesh to humble me and/or something to make me stronger through my weakness.  I can say that the experience has been a wake up call and a humbling experience.

Stay tuned... I'm on week 1 and 1 day seizure free. 


Sunday, January 9, 2011

Expressing My Life with Epilepsy: Part 1

This is a semi-sensitive subject for me.  Before you finish reading the rest of this blog just know, this isn't meant for you to feel SORRY for me, to BABY me, to GOSSIP about me, but to have a BETTER UNDERSTANDING so if the thought passes you then you should stop while you are ahead. I have Petite Mal Seizures.  I was diagnosed with this condition when I was 7 years old but who knows really how long I really had it.  I have ALMOST walked into highway traffic, hit by an 18-wheeler truck, Lol I have walked into a group of handsome basketball players (SO EMBARRASSING... I was like 16), Walked to walls but stopped right in front of it, walked back in forth on a curb without stepping out to traffic, responded to people vaguely by saying yes or no, scratch my belly and move side to side w/o noticing, and the list goes on and on... but when I snap out of it... I clinch my fist, gasp for air, and TRY to collect my thoughts to go where I left off.  Naturally, loved ones are concerned.  Some say I don't take it serious enough.  Maybe they have to be in my shoes for a day when the "going gets tough" because it's easier to say what you will do IF you had it than actually going through the experience...

It's our human nature it seems when we are outside looking in and saying that we would do something different if a situation happened to us.  Maybe If I go into depth in expressing my condition and what I go through, it MAY change their thoughts, It may scare them more, it may help them be more understanding, it may help them see that they can't get frustrated and snappy with me when I am unable to control my body.  So just Imagine...

You know how it feels when you are staying up late at night, watching t.v., and then wake up w/o memory of falling asleep?  Trying to figure out where you are for a quick second, about what time you may have dozed off, and what you should do next after waking up?  That's what I go through... that's how it feels.  Your brain works like a never ending thing of electricity.  Your nerves in the brain are always connecting with each other w/o any pauses.  Epilepsy is when the nerves on the brain don't connect for a brief second.  Epilepsy can't go away but only can be controlled.  I developed the condition genetically.  I call my seizures Mental Hiccups lol because it can be that annoying but they only last for seconds but feels like minu.  Typically, I have become immune to the fact that I have epilepsy.  So when people freak out, I laugh a bit... it's not to make them feel stupid but it's just like breathing for me so I have to remember that some people aren't used to it.  When I have a seizure, It can be frustrating, sometimes discouraging, annoying, embarrassing, and i feel like it slows me down.  When I'm in front of friends and family that are so accustomed to it, I can brush it off easier and yet I still feel embarrassed.  When I am in front of someone that isn't use to it, I get terribly embarrassed and I too also laugh to ease the tension.  I realized why I get hot flashes I think after I have them as I age, I think it's through embarrassment.  The more embarrassed I am, the hotter I feel.  

To be Continued... I don't want it to be a lengthy blog...lol.

It is what it is... but remember this... even some great leaders had a disability, but it didn't stop them from serving...I.E. Paul 


Stay Tuned.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Witnessing can be frustrating sometimes

That's right!  I am doing a double Whammy today!  Two blogs in One night! Lol...

The Lord has convicted me on my lack of witnessing to the unsaved.  As a christian, that is HIGHLY unacceptable!  My efforts should be better!  I know better!  "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth is not, to him it is sin." James 4:17.  That being said, I had an interesting lunch break.  I had the opportunity to witness to a gentleman.  I never caught his name now that I think about it.  I just remember that he appeared African American and tall.  During my break, I read my bible... as I was reading my bible I felt someone staring at me.  Any person can tell you that when you feel someones eyes on you, that you naturally look that direction, RIGHT?? ... so I did.  Eventually, this gentleman mustered the courage to speak to me.  "Did you go to the convention?" He asks.  I replied, "No... I work here."  "O" he says.  I go back to my reading... then eventually I just started feeling awkward because he just wouldn't stop staring at me! lol... The once again... he gain the courage to say, "I'm a Christian too."  Now at first I must admit, My reaction wasn't so perky... I kept wondering why this guy kept messing w/ me... but ofcourse my conscious kicked in.  In response, I nodded and said , "mmhmm..." and smiled and went back to reading... Now I started on my new verse of the week, Proverbs 11:30.  As I was reading, internally my conscious was telling me, "Ashleigh, you know better.  How do you know if he is really a christian??  This could be an open door for you to lead someone to salvation.  Get over yourself." Then that's when I read Proverbs 11:30 and it says, "The fruit of the righteous is the tree of life; and he that winneth souls are wise."  I couldn't help but giggle and nod and mentally say, "Okaaay... you are right." (no I am NOT crazy yall...lol...)

So I spark the conversation with him, and asked how he was a Christian.  What are his beliefs.  After experiencing the brief dialogue, I learned that he isn't saved.  He believes that if you were to die today that you will go in a "resting place" ...like in the old testament BEFORE Christ died on the Cross for our sins... might I add.  I went over the Romans Road with him but I became sooo internally frustrated because I didn't know where to find the verse that proves my fact!  Cuz yes it is most definitely a fact.  Unfortunately, He didn't get saved and I ran out of tracks.  I was just soo frustrated because that wasn't the first time I encountered someone having that belief.  I then learned, I need to get on my "A" game... it only pushed me harder to memorize scripture... and ever since my break... I haven't stopped thinking of the man that denied getting saved and Im not gonna lie... I have been beating myself up about it... If only I knew that scripture... And I am STILL waiting for someone to answer my question.  Im going to ask Pastor Kenny WEDNESDAY! lol...

My frustration can be taken as a good thing because that displays that I am more willing and my efforts are stronger to witness to others BUT I just feel as a Christian, I let someone down...myself.  Lesson learned I guess... that's just one more thing I have to study so I can be prepared for the next person.  For the reader that is reading this, work harder to know the WORD... because just when you think you are getting the hang on being more consistent, God can show you that, Hey, you have way more to brush up on.  Today I was/am humbled and more determined.  My daily prayer is that I want to make God proud to call me his Child and servant...That is exactly what I'M STRIVING TO DO....


I want to be wise...don't you?  Prov. 11:30.

So much to say with so little time...

Ladies and Gents, Let me first start by saying, HAPPY NEW YEARS! This is my first blog of 2011! Now seriously, I apologize for the abandonment of my series.  Due to technical difficulties and other distractions I unfortunately didn't meet my deadline as planned.  Might I add that it has been a total of 16 days since my last blog... just so unacceptable. So much has happened ofcourse in that time span and I can't really write (type) a whole novel lol because well I will bore you lol.  So let me TRY to catch you up to speed and so many words...

As my Vera Wang candle is burning and my Indiana Bible College songs are playing... I sit in my room thinking...pondering...wondering...of all that has happened in my 2 weeks (and some change lol).  Big decisions were made that GOD has definitely prepared me for because I wouldn't have been ready if it happened to me last year... and yet in this same token I gained a stronger friendship.  I asked God to readjust my life so it will be easier for me to focus on HIM...lol...well lets just say that HE definitely did! lol... and it's working. :)

On New Years eve, I had a "sister day" with ONE of my siblings...Devyn.  The one that everyone says has the "old attitude" that I used to have... she is now 12.  I had a great time with her...I was reminded that even tho My other sister and her are not even a full year apart...they are very different and I can't treat them the same.  In this case, Devyn is more laid back and not as perky as my sister Dominique and the old me at her age lol...at first it was hard for me to read her to see if she was even having fun! lol... I kept having to ask her if she was...smh...TEENAGERS! lol...smh...but eventually she started laughing more and such so I had my "confirmation" that she was telling the truth.  I have technically 12 siblings... so ofcourse the younger generation want their individual attn. from me... a one on one day hanging with Big Sis! lol...Next up in line, Jordan. My baby sis on my dad's side.  She is 10 and ofcourse already made me promise to have a sister day with her this summer.  Devyn and Jordan live in Arizona...

Someone I knew past away on New Years day, and tonight we had a candle lighting for him.  A good friend of mine, Marcus Bowie, spoke during the gathering.  Twenty People got saved that night... there had to be at least 30 in attendance.  GOD IS GREAT! I cried more because the souls got saved lol...Next step is to have them come out and visit our church!  I can't wait til he gets his car...Good things are to come... Mark my words.

This blog isn't as "deep" as my past blogs are, there is so much to say with so little time to say it all... in depth that is.


Proverbs 11:30 "The fruit of the righteous is the tree of life; and he that winneth souls are wise." (my memory verse of the week)  What's yours?