Sunday, January 9, 2011
Expressing My Life with Epilepsy: Part 1
This is a semi-sensitive subject for me. Before you finish reading the rest of this blog just know, this isn't meant for you to feel SORRY for me, to BABY me, to GOSSIP about me, but to have a BETTER UNDERSTANDING so if the thought passes you then you should stop while you are ahead. I have Petite Mal Seizures. I was diagnosed with this condition when I was 7 years old but who knows really how long I really had it. I have ALMOST walked into highway traffic, hit by an 18-wheeler truck, Lol I have walked into a group of handsome basketball players (SO EMBARRASSING... I was like 16), Walked to walls but stopped right in front of it, walked back in forth on a curb without stepping out to traffic, responded to people vaguely by saying yes or no, scratch my belly and move side to side w/o noticing, and the list goes on and on... but when I snap out of it... I clinch my fist, gasp for air, and TRY to collect my thoughts to go where I left off. Naturally, loved ones are concerned. Some say I don't take it serious enough. Maybe they have to be in my shoes for a day when the "going gets tough" because it's easier to say what you will do IF you had it than actually going through the experience...
It's our human nature it seems when we are outside looking in and saying that we would do something different if a situation happened to us. Maybe If I go into depth in expressing my condition and what I go through, it MAY change their thoughts, It may scare them more, it may help them be more understanding, it may help them see that they can't get frustrated and snappy with me when I am unable to control my body. So just Imagine...
You know how it feels when you are staying up late at night, watching t.v., and then wake up w/o memory of falling asleep? Trying to figure out where you are for a quick second, about what time you may have dozed off, and what you should do next after waking up? That's what I go through... that's how it feels. Your brain works like a never ending thing of electricity. Your nerves in the brain are always connecting with each other w/o any pauses. Epilepsy is when the nerves on the brain don't connect for a brief second. Epilepsy can't go away but only can be controlled. I developed the condition genetically. I call my seizures Mental Hiccups lol because it can be that annoying but they only last for seconds but feels like minu. Typically, I have become immune to the fact that I have epilepsy. So when people freak out, I laugh a bit... it's not to make them feel stupid but it's just like breathing for me so I have to remember that some people aren't used to it. When I have a seizure, It can be frustrating, sometimes discouraging, annoying, embarrassing, and i feel like it slows me down. When I'm in front of friends and family that are so accustomed to it, I can brush it off easier and yet I still feel embarrassed. When I am in front of someone that isn't use to it, I get terribly embarrassed and I too also laugh to ease the tension. I realized why I get hot flashes I think after I have them as I age, I think it's through embarrassment. The more embarrassed I am, the hotter I feel.
To be Continued... I don't want it to be a lengthy blog...lol.
It is what it is... but remember this... even some great leaders had a disability, but it didn't stop them from serving...I.E. Paul